You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
