I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
