I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
