At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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