i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
