You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
