you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
