I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I need moral support for this bender
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
