I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
