WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
