the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
