Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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