yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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