Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
