guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
