look no pants
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
