If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
