wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
