There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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