I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
