the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
