The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
