We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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