im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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