I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you traded sex for a burrito?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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