Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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