I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
