I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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