meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
