i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
