how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
