How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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