and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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