grandma shit on top of the toilet
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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