the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
