Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
