When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
