bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
