Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
