$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
