Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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