Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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