drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
