woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
