god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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