guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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