I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
