You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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