Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Randomize
