a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
