Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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