I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
