ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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