What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
